Title X for Men

(And now, for something completely different from the Fun Department)

MUNCIE, Indiana – The Man Institute today announced the results of an extensive study examining the effect of Title IX legislation on men’s sports – and the Institute says one of its findings is especially revealing.

The controversial piece of legislation, enacted in 1972, was part of a U.S. Congressional initiative to provide equal opportunities in sports for females. Since that time, arguably millions more females have been able to participate in sports, thanks primarily to increased funding for girls’ and women’s sports. However, one of the effects of Title IX legislation has been the gutting of many men’s sports, and Man Institute representatives say their study may have uncovered a reason for that.

"We have amassed quantitative proof," said Man Institute Executive Director Biff Winkershott at a press conference this morning, "that the men’s sports most affected are those in which men are clad in the most physically revealing and/or skin-tight outfits."

Winkershott went on to list the sports whose ranks, he said, have been stripped because of how academic institutions interpret Title IX’s mandates.

"Swimming," Winkershott said. "Gymnastics. Wrestling. Track. Diving. We are talking about every sport where men – and well-developed boys – have historically felt free to show that they are in fact men. Or on their way to becoming men."

Winkershott added, "These are not athletes who are hiding behind baggy shorts, loose-fitting jerseys and other types of bulky, form-altering attire. These are males who are not afraid to put it all out there. Whether this chilling effect is intentional or not, we cannot say, but certainly our research raises the possibility that apparel-based discrimination may be a factor with the shrinkage that has occurred in these sports’ numbers."

As a result, Winkershott said the Man Institute has drafted and is seeking Congressional sponsorship for a piece of legislation it has dubbed "Title X for Men."

The Man Institute’s legal analyst Harlan C. Trunkmeyer unveiled the proposed amendment to the Education Amendments of 1972 act.

"We are going to challenge the inherent prejudice head on," said Trunkmeyer, "and for that reason, we’ve chosen to word the legislation thusly:

"No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex-revealing apparel, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving Federal financial assistance."

Winkershott added: "Every male athlete in this country needs to understand that he needs to start watching his own hind side because somebody else already is – and it’s somebody who doesn’t want the rest of the world seeing it."